Apr. 26th, 2017

borlandia: (claw)
Staging on my house is done. Now it's just paperwork and getting the legal mumbo jumbo taken care of.

I'm standing in it right now - and it's a very peculiar feeling.

It's still my place, legally. But it doesn't feel like it anymore.

Furniture and d├ęcor everywhere that doesn't belong to me, and arrangements I'd never do.

This structure is the last vestige of a life I wanted. I didn't want to be here, doing this today. I wanted to be here for 30, 40, 50 years. I kinda wanted to grow old here. It didn't happen.

This feels like the final white flag on what I wanted things to be like. I'm admitting defeat, and that it's finally over.

I've started over on a lot of stuff the past 5-6 years, but this feels like an official reboot on everything.

I'm definitely feeling a lot right now...most I'm not even sure of.

Margaret stopped speaking to me yesterday. I tried to start conversation last night and this morning. Nothing, just cold shoulder.

I have no idea what I did, but it sure seems like she doesn't want to talk at all about it. Things were fine yesterday morning. Then she came home and had nothing to say - just went straight to bed. Not even a "hello" or a "good night".

Lot of uneasiness right now. Honestly feel like I've got no one to rely on and nowhere to go.

I leave for California tomorrow. It's a huge weight on my shoulders to have so much waiting for me while I'm gone.

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borlandia

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