borlandia: (matlock)
There are a lot of reasons I don't have children.

One is the obvious one: you have to find a woman to sleep with you first. That eludes me from time to time.

Then there's my insecurities about my abilities as a father. I lack responsibility in a lot of venues. If I were an irresponsible father, well, I wouldn't deserve to BE a father.

Then there's my family history. Littered with mental and physical illness. Myself, suffering from depression and anxiety has been a burden. I wouldn't wish my mental anguish on anyone, and I'm not sure I even want to risk passing it on to someone else.

Then there's the world I'd be leaving to my child/children.

Can I, in good conscience, bring a new life into a world so mean, selfish, evil? Can I, who honestly believes mankind itself has a maximum of maybe 100 years left before we do ourselves in, bring a child into the world, feeling they will probably suffer a terrifying, painful death, and watch THEIR children perish as well?

I look around and I see not much progress, not much happiness, a lot of strife, pain, suffering....and it's getting worse.

I don't want to have anyone else experience this. It's too much for me.

Sorry if this is downbeat. Just thinking.
borlandia: (sox)
Melissa (the girl in the car crash from my last post) is doing better.

Her family is being pretty guarded about a lot of details, but from what I understand is the day of the crash, she needed immediate surgery and once they started, things just consistently got worse and they just weren't sure what was going to happen. She made quite a comeback and is still a long ways away, but I'm glad she's rallying.

It was good seeing the family in Portland. Think I'll be back down there in March.

Bit off more than I could chew, running-wise. I took a few days off due to the emotional and mental strain of the leadership meeting. I didn't want to add any physical fatigue. Got in 5 miles on Friday, then did my mountain run (6.5 miles) on Saturday, which was tough, but I got it done. The major error was trying to run 16 today. I could've done it with a couple days rest, but having run the day before, I just didn't have it. After about 12, my body just gave up. I decided I was going to walk the rest but it got colder and colder. My hands became completely numb. I called a cab to bring me home. Slightly bitter about that...I mean, I need to train, which means I need to finish. But...I'm not doing myself any favors if I get myself sick.

I'm flying out of SeaTac this Saturday. I'm hopeful the protesters clashing with the police will have cooled a little by then. We've become kind of the hub of the protests becoming violent and getting into it with the police, who already have a hair trigger around here. I just want to quietly get on my plane and get out of town.

Saw "Hidden Figures" yesterday. It's not an amazing movie, but it is an amazing story. I was really impressed with Janelle Monae, and thought Jim Parsons did a really nice job, too. I think it'll probably get stiffed at the Oscars (there's just too many other heavy-hitting movies out there) but I think it's an untold American story that needs to be heard.

What was really disappointing was the crowd I saw the movie with. At every example of racism, I audibly heard people say "oh wow" and "oh my god". OK. When it comes to racist shit that went down in the 1960s, this was some of the most PG stuff you could come up with. It made me sad that grown people were surprised at that sort of thing. I wish people would just pick up a book and read about this stuff. Just goes to show that our biggest weakness and biggest hurdle to any real progress is just a lack of education and a lack of willingness to get it.

Got another long week at work coming up. Going to need even more mental stamina. Hopefully it calms down a bit after this weekend.
borlandia: (communists)
This could be a long one.

Haven't commented a lot on other people's journals. Head just hasn't been there.

So...where to start...

Odd. Very odd.

I'd abandoned Livejournal...since 2009 or so. Then a friend of mine (who I'd met via LJ and kept in touch with) added me to a Facebook group about LJ. I rejoined and then recently made the move to Dreamwidth. I'd reconnected and caught up a bit with that friend.

Sadly...just as soon as we'd reconnected, she's been in a pretty terrible car accident. We've all got high hopes, but it isn't looking good.

Life works in odd ways.

I hope she gets out of this OK...but it sounds ugly. I heard something about eight hours of spinal and internal organ surgery...and more scheduled later this week.

It's bizarre.

I remember my father telling me something to the effect of "death's impossible to plan for, because whenever it happens, that's it". As ambiguous as that is, it's got degrees of real truth.

She might not die. I guess I'm just trying to plan for "that's it" and what that means.

Portland has been OK. Work has been stressful. This year is going to be a lot of work and responsibility. I hope I can manage that.

We don't have a lot of focus. We're "focused" on paper, but we're focused on way too many things. I don't have enough leverage to make any big calls, but I can already tell we're going to be stretched so many ways, it'll be impossible to be that focused on anything.

It's been good to see my family, but my family's been pretty messed up since the election. I can't tell what the mood is, exactly. There's a lot of antagonistic behavior.

We went to a Hawaiian BBQ place tonight. The service sucked and everyone was kinda bitchy about that.

Went to a brewery after that and we'd had a couple so we were all pretty chatty...things got a little more loose. There was a bluegrass band there. Mediocre, but they played a funny version of "Home on the Range". I appreciated the effort.

I'm gonna try and stop off at this really great sandwich place on my way out of town. That'll make the whole trip worth my while. Not to say my family is less valuable than a sandwich, but there's a variety of stressors that come with family. I don't need to worry about that with stress.

Today marks four years since I met my current girlfriend. Hasn't felt like that long.

I did get a raise today, too. Not a huge one. But it will make a difference...and I wasn't expecting one.

I'm not sure when life will slow down for me. It'll be a while. Maybe summertime.

Here We Go

Jan. 23rd, 2017 09:54 am
borlandia: (dude)
I feel like writing.

Saturday was going fairly well. I was feeling accomplished, relaxed, just enjoying the afternoon.

Things are not going well for the girlfriend. She is ultra bogged-down with schoolwork. She has endless reading, papers, assignments. Tomorrow, she is supposed to visit her mother and has a 3-hour long coast guard auxiliary meeting. As afternoon rolled into evening, she was clearly getting really upset as she just felt overwhelmed.

I offered to help her out (I consider myself an OK writer and could help brainstorm some ideas or points), she turned it down. I told her to take a break, let me give her a massage, etc. She turned it down.

It's an incredibly difficult time for her...and it's frustrating for me. I feel woefully inadequate and it's dragging me down further than where I usually am.

We drove around Seattle and had a nice day on Sunday. Took some fun pictures and got to laugh a lot. She gets ultra-stressed when she's driving though...that gets me on edge.

Drank a little too much last night. That happens. It was a football day. I was excited about the Patriots. It was a haze of booze, random hugs, high fives, cheering...

I came back and of course, I was three sheets to the wind, and the lady was not amused. I fell asleep and when I woke up this morning, she was pissed. I fell on the sword and admitted I was being inattentive and obnoxious, and that I was going to pull back the drinking for a while so I'm not a douche when I'm around her. I think I can make that happen.

She said her grandpa called her and was being a jerk. I think he has some form of dementia and was just lashing out. Apparently has less than a year left to live. More wood on the fire.

I leave for Portland in a few minutes. I'm hungover, but I'm up to it. It's a nice day, should be an easy drive.
borlandia: (claw)
Ran my half this morning. Knew after mile 3 it was gonna be a good one, finished with a very respectable time. Didn't rain either, which was nice. Got a nice medal and a free blanket. Also drank plenty of chocolate milk at the end. Probably just gonna rest up the rest of the day. Thought about going downtown but I think everyone else is there. They don't need me.

Worked like a 13 hour day yesterday, but a lot of it was spent writing, which I enjoy. The only frustrating thing was I couldn't figure out how to get SharePoint working the way I wanted to. It happens.

Another department at work lost one of their leaders and also has been down a lot of people (December is usually when people quit, because if you work until then, you get the year-end bonus). They've clearly got it hard. I've been covering for some of the leadership type stuff to ease the strain on the rest of the leaders, and I got a couple emails this morning from someone at 5 AM. Yikes.

Alright...back to doing nothing.
borlandia: (eek)
Back on track, health wise. Ate really good yesterday, chugged along for 6 miles.

Hoping to get 4 in tonight, 13.1 tomorrow, 5 the next day. That should mitigate what is sure to be a really unhealthy three days in Portland next week.

The girl is getting deposed from a lawsuit from her old job. In addition to her parents' divorce, her new job, and her schoolwork, it's a stressful time. Her birthday is next week. I wish I could've worked out something special, but I don't really have the time. I think we'll just do tourist-y stuff around the city tomorrow...that should at least get her mind off stuff.

I got into work ultra-early today. Had the office to myself for 20 minutes, then people started rolling in. 5 minutes in, got the first political discussion of the day.

I tuned out most of it, but it sounded like it hit all the key points "Blah blah blah outsider blah blah blah Bernie blah blah primaries blah blah media". It's like a more irritating version of the muted trombone from the old "Peanuts" cartoon.

Best thing I've read on the internet today:

"Trump university is just the tip of the iceberg in the corruption and swindling he's pulled off."

"No big deal, in 20 years, no one will know what an iceberg is"

Brutal. I feel for anyone that has children.
borlandia: (sox)
Pretty sure I fell asleep around 8:30 last night. I woke up around 3 AM pissed at myself for ruining an evening when I could've done something productive.

Then I woke up with my alarm and felt semi-rested.

More evidence for the "I don't know what's good for me" file.

I think a Trump presidency is primetime for an alien invasion. Come and take Earth, we're not doing anything with it.
borlandia: (nelson)
Had our first night of Whirlyball. We won both games. We were playing against a team with a mentally challenged teenager, who at one point tried to block a shot and ended up smacking my hand and drawing blood. Might have said something if I thought he'd have understood it.

Working from home this morning. Rain in Seattle means terrible traffic. I prefer my usually 20 minute commute not turn into 90 minutes.

Inauguration day is on Friday...gonna be weird. People are so angry, I think it's going to be quite the mess.

There's a lot of talk about World War 3, or a massive decline of the economy, a lot of "Eve of Destruction" type-stuff.

I don't think it's the end of days, but I do think there's going to be a lot of posturing and grandstanding about this type of stuff, while Trump and all his buddies line their pockets. I don't think this will be an especially productive or destructive administration, but if I had to guess, it'll be incredibly corrupt and we won't know most of the details until far later. We're all going to get ripped off to some degree, and it won't affect most people's lives in an overly negative fashion, but it'll kill the view of America in the world's eye. We're not going to be viewed as much better than a Middle Eastern monarchy to most of the civilized world.

World travel should be fun. I'm tossing around the idea of going to France in a year or two...I'm sure they'll have a thing or two to say about Americans.

Feeling the urge to go drinking tonight. Think there's a basketball game I want to watch.
borlandia: (communists)
Airbnb dude emailed me today and wanted $200 extra for the place in Chicago. Immediately told him thanks but no thanks.

Considering reporting him to Airbnb for that (once I get my money back, of course). Reeks of a bait-and-switch tactic.

People are crooks.

Betty White is 95 today, so that's some uplifting news. I feel like life is OK so long as Betty White is still around. Take that, 2016!
borlandia: (communists)
Finally landed a place on Airbnb in Chicago for the week I'm there. Then the guy emails me and tells me he priced it wrong. He's trying to "work something out". Probably translates to "pay me more".

It's so much more difficult to book a place for you and someone else. If it was just me, I'd be able to just make an easy decision and call it a day. If something didn't work out, I'd just be hurting myself. Now that I'm hunting for me and my girlfriend, if something goes wrong, I'll have screwed it up for both of us. So I've got to find something relatively affordable, in a decent location, fairly nice, and somewhat quiet. It was a tad exhausting.

Ate relatively good today, which I'm sort of proud of. Hope I can carry it over tomorrow.
borlandia: (reality)
Somewhat productive morning. Got to tell one of my direct reports that they absolutely failed our last file review and they took it pretty well, all things considered. I think I'm getting better at delivering feedback.

My boss is a Chiefs fan and I can tell he's in a terrible mood. Gonna have to ride this out for a couple days and just take my lumps. He's busy with other junk later this week so I'll at least avoid him for part of this week.

Need to book some kind of lodging for Chicago in October, and soon. Space is filling up really quick.

Short rant of the day: "PC" is one of my least favorite phrases.

Preaching to the choir: "PC" means doing things that are inclusive and not insulting. I.E. starting a "whites only" group at your job or school wouldn't be politically correct, because it's disrespectful and mean.

People do these idiotic things, get put on blast for it (rightfully so, most of the time), and their response isn't "What I did was wrong", it's blaming the "PC Culture".

The #1 rule of "PC Culture" is just not to be a prick. You'd think people could abide by some shred of that code, but nah. Not here, not now.

It's hard to be optimistic about anything when being a relatively decent human being is an extremely high bar for so many.
borlandia: (matlock)
Sufficiently caffeinated. Not good for sleep tonight and early wake up tomorrow, but so it goes.

Bought flowers for delivery for my mother's birthday. It's 2 weeks from now, but I'll forget if I don't do it now.

Was walking to get lunch in Seattle today (dodging the many tweakers that are out and about), had a brief encounter.

I used to go to this coffee shop pretty frequently. Maybe twice a week minimum, 4-5 days a week maximum. They knew me there.

There was one morning (maybe 6 months ago or so) where my drink got swiped by someone else. Maybe I just wasn't paying attention but I never heard them yell out my name, and it's possible they just mumbled it or didn't say it at all.

When I went to explain I thought someone swiped my drink, the staff there gave me the third degree like it was MY fault. They asked 20 questions before finally agreeing to make me another, and when they did, it was a size smaller than I wanted and was easily the worst drink I've ever had from there.

I blew them up on Yelp and never went back.

Anywho, I walked by one of the main staffers there. I recognized him, and he recognized me for sure. He looked like he was halfway to saying something to me, but ultimately decided against it and just looked the other way.

It's true that it takes a very long time to build a relationship, and just a couple of minutes to blow it.

There isn't anything quite like the smell of movie popcorn. Want to see a movie tonight, but I think I'm gonna check out "The Young Pope" instead.
borlandia: (tiger)
I accomplished my goal of not getting too drunk. Just a little buzzed. Got to meet some new people, too, which is always cool.

Got in a 15 mile run, which was also way more than I thought I would accomplish today. While my weight-loss hopes remain stagnant, my training for the next marathon is right on pace.

Happy the Pats won comfortably. Interesting enough game to keep my attention, too.

Nothing planned today. Maybe a little bit of work. It's cold but sunny out. Supposed to rain, so maybe I'll do another long dog-walk. Or I'll just sit in bed.

Sleep deprived, finally logged about 9-10 hours last night. I needed that. I feel relaxed for once. Not stressed out, grinding.

The next few weeks I'm going to be moving around a lot. Hope I'm up to it.

I need a cheeseburger.
borlandia: (sox)
Just feeling fatigued today.

It's a day to set small goals. Finish some laundry. Take the dog on a long walk. Not get too drunk tonight? Don't know about that last one. We'll see.

Girlfriend helped her mom move out of her dad's house today. Divorce still being finalized. Apparently they stumbled upon some notes he wrote her about how she was running his life, etc. What a disaster.

Hope I can get it together.
borlandia: (reality)
I'm glad to hear that they won't CGI Carrie Fisher for Episode 9. Not sure why, but it just seems unsettling. Between CGI'ing, rewriting the script, and recasting, I'm almost certain I'd just prefer the re-cast, as tough as that is. It'll be weird as history rolls on how it'll be interpreted, but hey, it worked out ok with Dumbledore.

I think "The Star Spangled Banner" has had its run as our national anthem. I think "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey needs to be our new anthem.

Hear me out: it represents everything about America. Nostalgia, cheesy 70s/80s rock n roll, drinking, karaoke, and lyrics that represent hope with no real direction or substance. It's perfect. And everyone already knows the words.

I gotta get my butt to the gym.
borlandia: (kitty)
Dog is all clean now. It's a good day. I hate that dog stench she gets at times.

It always bums me out a bit whenever I see someone just taking their time. Making chit-chat, holding up a line, whatever. I wish I had that luxury and probably never will. Everything's go-go-go. Sink or swim. Gotta make things happen and now. Every morning it's wake up with the alarm clock, fire down the coffee and keep that caffeine drip going all day long.

I'll be drinking heavily tomorrow night. Can't wait.
borlandia: (kitty)
I can't get enough "Catfish". Makes me feel like I live a quiet, normal life.

As bummed and miserable as I was a couple nights ago, I'm pretty active tonight. Lot of steam to burn off I suppose.

I've never owned a Nintendo (well.,.OK I owned the original NES but that was in the 1980s), but I'm looking at stuff on the Nintendo Switch and it looks awfully tempting. Not sure if I can justify coughing up 300$ - but I'd probably spend that much on a new tablet anyway. I'm still using the same Samsung I've had for over 2 years and it might be time for a new one.

Zelda: Breath of the Wild looks pretty great as well. Not sure I'm going to be able to say no to that.

I have no impulse control whatsoever.

Dog's gotta get a bath tomorrow. She hates that, but it's time.
borlandia: (kitty)
Nothing makes me feel small and irrelevant quite like looking at space photos. Was just looking through an album of craters on Mars - most of them of Victoria, which is 750 miles in diameter.

If you're scoring at home, that's a crater that would go from the CA coast to roughly the Utah/Colorado border, and from the California/Mexico border to the Nevada/Idaho border. Pretty big.

An asteroid or something that huge hitting Earth - just one more thing to stay up at night over.
borlandia: (sox)
The U.S. health care system pretty much sucks, but there's some encouragement from time to time.

Despite turds like Martin Shkreli trying to fleece people on medicine to keep them alive, the market eventually corrects itself and makes life easier.

Note that this product has existed for some time, it just got the price slashed even further.

It isn't common knowledge, but "Epipen" isn't an actual drug name - it's a product name. Alternatives to these jacked-up name-brand products do exist, they're just not as well-known due to lack of marketing, and that the generic brands don't have the clout to go into doctors' offices and offer them a truckload of cash to prescribe the name brand directly.

Small encouragement to start the day.
borlandia: (claw)
Made it through today OK. It was really cold, so I mostly just stayed indoors. Fairly light on the workload today, too. Winter is the best time of year for that reason.

I've never bought a really good pair of headphones, but this place was having a clearance sale, they were half-off, and they have a Red Sox logo on them. I'm a sucker - and I'm really enjoying them. Hard to put a price on that.

Eating healthier hasn't gone so well so far. Haven't lost any weight. Work in progress. I'll figure something out.
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