borlandia: (nelson)
House is under contract. I got a great offer from a very nice family that lives in the area and is looking to put roots down for good. Loved the motivation and they had the best offer. Now I just wait for money to change hands...

Parents arrive today. Always somewhat stressful because they spring plans on me last-minute. They never quite understand that I plan things months...even a year in advance and them just springing stuff same-day on me is not cool.

Weather here has been amazing, and I like that. Means I can golf, run, bike, do what I want outdoors. I missed being able to do that.

Sister's birthday and mother's day this weekend. Always a clusterfuck. Just marking time until my sister's inevitable dramatic meltdown.

borlandia: (claw)
Ultra overwhelmed tonight. I just have too much going on. I wish I could just get a break and not have to worry about anything, just for a day.

I think I just need to be told it's all going to work out and I don't need to sweat it any more.


May. 3rd, 2017 02:01 pm
borlandia: (tiger)
House is officially on the market. Page has a LOT of views, unsure about any real interest at the moment.

Margaret finally talked to me and mentioned she was upset because I didn't ask about her job interview. She ended up getting the job, and was stressed about leaving her old job and negotiating salary and what have you, and that I didn't say anything about it.

Truth be told, I was so wound up about my house, I forgot all about it. I fell on the sword and it was all good.

Finished the Big Sur marathon, and did better than expected. Chicago is next in October.

Work blows. I basically got guilt-tripped for taking time off - no details necessary but basically a bunch of garbage went down this morning and the message was an HR-friendly "this wouldn't have happened if you were working." Wonderful.

This is why I have 350 vacation hours, and the max we're even allowed to have is 375. Every time I take time off, this is what happens. I guess the happy medium is take vacation days and just work on those days?

I need a beer.
borlandia: (claw)
Staging on my house is done. Now it's just paperwork and getting the legal mumbo jumbo taken care of.

I'm standing in it right now - and it's a very peculiar feeling.

It's still my place, legally. But it doesn't feel like it anymore.

Furniture and d├ęcor everywhere that doesn't belong to me, and arrangements I'd never do.

This structure is the last vestige of a life I wanted. I didn't want to be here, doing this today. I wanted to be here for 30, 40, 50 years. I kinda wanted to grow old here. It didn't happen.

This feels like the final white flag on what I wanted things to be like. I'm admitting defeat, and that it's finally over.

I've started over on a lot of stuff the past 5-6 years, but this feels like an official reboot on everything.

I'm definitely feeling a lot right now...most I'm not even sure of.

Margaret stopped speaking to me yesterday. I tried to start conversation last night and this morning. Nothing, just cold shoulder.

I have no idea what I did, but it sure seems like she doesn't want to talk at all about it. Things were fine yesterday morning. Then she came home and had nothing to say - just went straight to bed. Not even a "hello" or a "good night".

Lot of uneasiness right now. Honestly feel like I've got no one to rely on and nowhere to go.

I leave for California tomorrow. It's a huge weight on my shoulders to have so much waiting for me while I'm gone.
borlandia: (claw)
House is finally getting some traction. It should hit market May 1st. Photographer coming in Thursday-Friday to take some photos, paperwork should get knocked out soon - glad things are moving at long last.

Big Sur is this Sunday. I'm a little concerned. Not really concerned...just concerned. I've trained pretty responsibly but haven't done the long, long runs I wanted to do.

I did study the elevation map like a final I know where to pace myself, take walking breaks, etc. The goal is not to just die out somewhere around mile 22...hopefully the views and scenery keep me moving.

Will be good to see some family and friends as well.

The lady isn't home tonight, have the place to myself. Gonna order pizza and kick it bachelor style.
borlandia: (candid)
I completed "13 Reasons Why"

I started watching it on a whim. Margaret gave me plenty of shit about it and soon spent every episode complaining about how it deviated too much from the books.

Anywho, some thoughts:

Serious spoilers under this, don't read if you're planning on watching it )
borlandia: (claw)
The house sale drag continues. Everything keeps getting delayed, and I continue to have to cough up money for mortgage AND rent AND utilities in two different places. This better all be worth it.

I had a leadership "check in" yesterday where an HR rep showed up and basically let everyone that works for me tee off on all the things they don't like that I do. It was actually sort of constructive, but I swear they all think they can do a better job than I...and yet I don't think they know the half of what it is I do here.

In good news, I got back in the habit of going to the gym. Even though my diet is still a disaster, it feels good to expel some energy every night on something.

Roller derby this weekend. I'm watching, not participating. I wouldn't even go, but they do have a beer garden.
borlandia: (jason)
Man, it's been busy. Between work picking up, moving, and other junk that seems to get in the way...barely have time to think.

We unpacked most of our stuff yesterday. We definitely have a serious space issue merging two houses into one, but I think with some light purging and some furniture purchases, we'll make it happen.

I got ultra-bothered yesterday. Girl's mom came over to "help" us unpack...without even asking she's opening all my boxes and making open commentary about my stuff. This felt...really inappropriate. I'm a pretty private guy, too, so having someone I have little to no history with just rifling through all my possessions was really, really unsettling.

What I love...the new place is so QUIET. I was scared of going back to a rental property with the noise...but this place is perfect. Everything shuts down at like 9 PM and we don't hear a peep after that.

We had dinner...I popped a couple muscle relaxers and had some wine and got over it.

I bought my boss's boss a birthday present. He flipped his lid and loved it...I'm going to be labeled a massive kiss-ass...which I am.

Portland later this week. Gonna have to resist the urge to get too drunk in front of my boss.
borlandia: (sox)
Been a bit.

Figured out where I'm moving. Also have a rough idea of how much it's going to cost to renovate my place. It's going to be very expensive. But supposedly it will pay off.

"Get out" was really, really good. Better than any movie that came out last year.

Work is pretty stressful, but that's par for the course.

Looking forward to a lot of packing and purging...

Fade Away

Feb. 23rd, 2017 12:01 pm
borlandia: (tiger)
Drinking Jagermeister last night wasn't the greatest idea in the world. My head is killing me.

"Lion" was very good. I won't spoil anything for anyone, but it's a great story and the last 20 minutes or so are epic. I was on the edge of my seat. The little boy in the movie is amazing. How they got that kid to act so well is beyond me. They also did a fantastic job of keeping it somewhat optimistic while not shying away from some of the...less than savory stuff that goes down in India.

Minor criticisms: I didn't think Nicole Kidman was that great and don't understand how she got an Oscar nod. Rooney Mara's character was kind of a waste. They shined on a good portion of the main character's life, which led to some development issues at the end of the film.

I'm hoping to see "Get Out" this weekend. I've heard good things.

I'm fascinated by the discovery of the 7 Earth-like planets. 40 light years away doesn't sound so far...and then you find out it's like 2 quadrillion miles away and it would take forever to get there with today's technology.

Too bad the world won't make it long enough to find out anything about them.

Long run in Tri-Cities this weekend. Haven't been there since when I was married...which was in 2011. That was the spot where I told my then-wife I thought I was smarter than her, and she lost her shit. Not a great thing to say, but man, I never heard the end of that one. Here's to making some new memories
borlandia: (jason)
This weekend was a bit epic.

Saturday I drove over to the girlfriend's place. She was stressed out as all hell from schoolwork. She relented she wanted to do "something, anything" and even though it was cold out, we walked through Seattle, got coffee, and just tried to stay warm.

We then went to see the Lego Batman movie only to see it was sold out. I recommended we go home and watch "Hell or High Water" since we'd both wanted to see that. She had the idea of making nachos for dinner and since we were watching a Jeff Bridges movie, making White Russians to pay tribute to "The Dude".

We ended up getting pretty bombed, so that was fun.

She left Sunday AM to drive her mother to the airport. I went to meet Devin for brunch. We drank fruity drinks, ate, and then went to a few bars. Got fairly drunk again, and at some point I invited my sister out to the last place we were at - she had sent me a "what are you up to this weekend?" text a few days before where I told her what I was doing and got no response.

She showed up and things went OK for the most part. Devin had to leave to take care of his baby so we said our goodbyes.

My sister then said she was willing to drive me back and save me an Uber/Lyft fare, she just had to stop and get dinner for her husband.

That's when it got weird.

My sister has a brutal combination of lupus and narcolepsy. It's a pretty terrible struggle, but you can't have any conversation with her without it turning into a huge pity party.

I don't recollect exactly how it went down...but it started to head down that road, and I think I just gave her sort of the "tough love" approach. I was drunk, and just not in the mood. I don't think I said anything overly inflammatory, but it got bad. She was borderline-shouting at me in the middle of this Mexican restaurant, telling me I'm a worthless piece of shit, the worst person she knows, I'm gonna die alone, blah blah blah

I didn't take the bait. I took the Jeff Lebowski, "yeah, well that's just your opinion, man" approach, and continued to throw back beers while she ranted against me.

At one point she got up to use the bathroom, at which point I texted my mother and advised that it looked like my sister might give me the "death penalty" - she routinely does this, completely cuts people out of her life when things don't go well, she's done it to a handful of family members and friends, and has stayed somewhat committed to it - she came back from the bathroom, and while my phone was sitting at the table, my mother texted me back. My sister demanded to know what she said to me, and I pretty much told her it's an A and B conversation, so C your way out. She didn't care much for that and continued her manifesto on how I'm lower than rat shit, yada yada yada.

We finally got our to go order and she still wanted to drive my worthless ass back. Halfway there she started sobbing out of control. I apologized for being so cavalier about things and that although I came off like a douche, she's still my sister, my only sibling, and I want the best for her...I just leveled with her and explained dealing with her is mentally/emotionally exhausting and since I'm already a sad guy, it's natural for me to just avoid her. I wasn't being an asshole, just being honest (I guess).

She finally dropped me off. I struggled to sleep last night. I hadn't been that upset about that shit-show, but I had a lot of anxiety and I could feel it in my chest and shoulders. I still feel it now, just not as much. I finally took a walk around 11 PM. My girlfriend asked that I not go because she didn't feel it was ultra-safe at that time of night, but the walk helped, and it turned out there were more cops out than just regular people.

Was finally able to crash after midnight.

My sister deactivated her Facebook this morning. This is a win for everyone.

Thinking of going to see "Lion" tonight. I hear it's good.
borlandia: (dude)
I ran 17 miles last night. Maybe a little more.

I've struggled with marathon training in the past. I'd get to around half-marathon distance and just run out of gas. I'd find excuses to quit.

Looked like that was gonna happen last night. It's supposed to rain all weekend long, and Friday night was going to be my only opportunity to get in any kind of long run where I didn't get soaked and cold. I got around 9-10 miles and my legs got heavy and my battery started dying on my phone. The route I run is pretty boring and I need music, plus there's pretty dark parts of it that I need the flashlight on my phone for. I decided that if my cell died, I'd stop, but that was my only excuse.

That sucker rallied and so did I. This is a good thing.

My old college roommate Devin is coming into town for the day tomorrow. I'm kind of hoping it doesn't turn into a day-long booze-a-thon, but that may be inevitable.
borlandia: (nelson)
Realtor came over yesterday.

Essentially, there was good news and bad news. Good news is once my house goes on the market, I'm "the only game in town", effectively, if you want to live in my area, it's my house you're buying, or nothing at all.

The bad news is: he wants me to spend money upgrading, and it won't be cheap. He listed off some stuff that needs repairs/replacing, and he ballparked it at probably around $6,000 to do it all. He did say the return on investment would be somewhere around $30,000 (effectively, he said this would be the average difference between an "as-is/kind of a fixer upper" vs. "turnkey, good to go"). He said that if I do all this, I shouldn't expect my house to be on the market much longer than 2-3 weeks. Some homes are on the market less than 24 hours.

Whenever I hear "pay this, and get this much down the road" I call bullshit...but I'm not paying HIM and he stands to profit off this (although he doesn't stand to lose much, either). He wasn't pressuring me and was being a good guy, just keeping it real.

The other wild card in this is I'd have to move out a little sooner than I want to, and I'd be living with other people until my gal and I found a new place (and also paying to rent out a storage unit for furniture and stuff). But...if I do indeed stand to make $24K off this, it'll be money and time well-spent. Just awkward.

This shit gives me such a headache.
borlandia: (matlock)
Weekend had a few highlights.

I caught about 30 minutes of "I Love You, Man" on HBO last night. Don't know why but that movie made me really happy.

I ran the fastest half-marathon I've run since October 2015. My weight is still not at all where I want it to be but for some reason I'm able to run a lot better.

I spent a few hours just cleaning and organizing my room and it looks far better than it did just a few days ago. Purged a bunch of stuff. I'm pleased that I got something productive done.

The realtor is coming by today to check the place out. I'm dreading it. I know he's going to give a laundry list of shit to do, and I'm going to have to tell him I don't have the time/money/knowhow to do any of it. Frustrating.

I need coffee.
borlandia: (evil homer)
I abhor my own subconscious.

I thought I was doing OK after the realtor conversation yesterday. It apparently put more stress on me than I thought.

I drank in severe excess last night. Just really overdid it. My brain knows when I'm in trouble mentally, and sadly, being drunk or hungover is the only cure. It's the only thing that truly dulls my emotions enough to just...keep going.

Seriously don't know how I'm going to get through this in a healthy manner.
borlandia: (sox)
I saw "La La Land". It got nominated for, like, 14 Oscars. I'll bet it wins at least 10. It was really, really good on a lot of levels. The editing was great. The sets and art direction were mind-blowing. It had the charm of an on-stage musical with the production value of a big Hollywood hit. Emma Stone was incredible. I had fun watching it, and I'm the biggest sad-sack the world has ever known. A real home run.

Met with my realtor today. He's a great guy...but man, you just can't get away from money these days. I'm not going to make much, if any, off my home, and I just don't care. I'm over it. He fed me some line of bullshit about "fiduciary responsibility" - whatever. I'm meeting him next week and we'll see how that goes.

I need to run.
borlandia: (reality)
Anxiety off the charts lately.

I cancelled a dentist appointment today. I made up some nonsense about a "personal crisis" which isn't that far off, really.

I just can't handle the stress of the dentist on top of what I'm already feeling right now.

Might go hit some golf balls. It is snowing pretty hard right now, though.

I hate credit card bills.
borlandia: (eek)
Yesterday was rough.

I woke up at about 7:30 AM to learn my flight home had been cancelled due to the snow in Seattle. I call the airline only to leave my number and be advised someone would call back within "3 to 4 hours" (spoiler alert: they called back six hours later).

Went over the mountain pass and had to chain up. That's always fun...not. Nothing says fun like lying in a puddle of slush trying to get a string of metal attached before your hands go numb.

Finally get to the airport and I can get on a 8 PM, six hours past when I was supposed to leave.

Got home finally around 11:30 PM.

Back to work today.

I meet with my realtor on Thursday.

I'm freaked out.

I'm worried the stress and workload of selling my house added onto my usual life struggles is going to be too much for me to bear. I'm afraid of breaking down and not being able to deal with it.

I'm worried I'm throwing too much on my plate. I'm worried about how I deal with it emotionally ruining my relationship. I'm worried I'm going to start sacrificing the things that make me happy for just the sake of getting things done that I need to do. I've done that before - it has not ended well.

I'm slightly afraid of being taken financially, but I don't think my realtor will let that happen. He's a good dude. I trust him.

Hopefully he can just put me at ease for a while.
borlandia: (tiger)
Need to talk, and no one to talk to.

I'm struggling. With myself, my identity, my ability to deal.

I get so frustrated with everything around me. I try to find things to find...comfort, happiness, distraction in, and it just isn't there sometimes.

It feels like a rotten world sometimes and I just don't want to be a part of it.

I'm not upset about anything specific. That's why everything is so troubling. I can't identify my own problems. I can't help myself, and I can't expect anyone else to know what I need either.

I wish I could just go somewhere and start over.
borlandia: (1)
It's been a few days. I'm feeling OK, I suppose.

It's been somewhat agonizing though. We had the big zone leadership summit over the last couple days. Put us up at a $200/night hotel, wined and dined us, and talked about how well we're doing financially and how we're going to keep it up this year.

So. Much. Ego. In. One. Place.

I'm never really going to have that level of confidence-bordering-on-arrogance. But...most people are at least nice to each other. Lot of laughs. It's just business I guess. For better or for worse.

Flying to Reno on Saturday. Hope it slows down a bit, travel-wise for me.

I need to catch up on sleep.

I see a judge made Trump allow people with visas to get into the US. I'm glad some form of checks and balances still exist...for now.

Friday snuck up quick.

Finishing up the last season of "Black Mirror". Have two more episodes to watch. Loved the last one - "San Junipero". Right up there with the Christmas episode in terms of quality.
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