borlandia

Weekends at one point were fun and somewhat productive. These days I find myself just feeling guilty about not doing anything and resisting the urge to work. The only thing more sad than someone that sits on their couch watching "Lost" re runs all day on a Sunday is someone that works on a Sunday.

The significant other apparently has been having IRS problems. I was vaguely familiar with this, I've heard her complaining about them being stingy about setting up a payment plan, and how it was impossible to get anyone on the phone.

This came to a hilt Friday morning when they apparently just withdrew her entire amount owed from her checking account. So she comes to me and says she needs $1,500.

I shouldn't be mad about this. We're a couple and this is part of it. It just feels like I'm being taken advantage of, kind of used.

I can tell you this much: I'm not moving next year, despite her constant whining about the size of our place. I pay 100% of the rent and I don't like spending money on housing (especially since we have nobody over, ever) - all I do here is watch TV and sleep, and I don't have much desire to do anything else, so I'll take my reasonably priced, 2-bedroom place, in a slowly-becoming-gentrified-but-still-kinda-run-down town and if you don't like it, leave.

I slept like garbage last night. Woke up around 3 AM and then tossed and turned until about 7. I hate those days when you can't get past the exhaustion.

Monday looms large. Good news is my boss is out of town until Thursday, so the hard part of the week I'll at least get some time to not have to worry about her unloading shit on me.

Current Mood: anxious

Spent a chunk of time this AM rolling through social media on this Bianca tragedy. It's terrible, but sadly not all that strange.

It's shades of Elliott Rodger, the maniac in Santa Barbara that went on a ham-fisted killing spree because the coeds at UCSB weren't dropping their panties for the "disturbed YouTube personality" thing.

I've run the lap and had my many struggles with women. I'm also (sort of) mentally ill. But I've never had any fiber of my being want to respond violently, and it's something I really can't wrap my head around. I get the misery that comes with struggling with women, losing out to total jackasses who treat women like shit, trying to reconcile the "nice guy" persona (which for some of us, is just the way we are) with the fact that no one really likes the "nice guy". It seems like that combined with any sort of violent mood swing produces some pretty horrifying results. I can't say I've ever felt violent towards anyone in such a circumstance. I wonder how tendencies like this aren't identified and there isn't anything done about them earlier.

The internet has kind of become a home for deranged lunatics, one and all, and sort of gives them a place to be accepted. They don't have the ability to correct anything because there's too many like-minded folks out there. Places like Reddit, Twitter, 4chan are cesspools for folks like that.

There's a lot of push for "freedom" of the internet. Frankly, I'm not so sure it's deserved.

Current Mood: mellow

So, what have I been up to?

It's been 5 months or so since I last posted here. I'm not sure why - I guess I just waffled in between "my feelings don't matter" and being just too lazy to get much of anything accomplished.

Work is...work. Our state director held a conference call with all management last week and said we're the worst-performing state in the West Zone (which pretty much includes every state from Texas up to the Dakotas and west of that). He was clearly ticked and mildly ranted for about 20 minutes, but said nothing constructive. No action plan, no directives, no real ideas, just a lot of superlatives in place of "do better". I guess I'll get started on that soon.

I never have any idea how well I'm doing. We're consistently being dressed down about whatever performance metric is struggling at that day and time, yet the vibe is this forced positivity that no one buys. I've been told, essentially, we're not meeting expectations at all. The work environment stinks. We can't keep anyone at this job longer than 2 years because the work is difficult and unless the office vibe is good, no one wants to work there. There's too much employment opportunity in the area to spend your days doing something that makes you unhappy.

...and then last week they gave me a bonus. Because, who the hell knows?

My health isn't great. I've gained somewhere between 10 and 15 pounds, primarily driven by my alcohol intake going up. I'm embarrassed to say that I drank 3 whole bottles of wine last night by myself, and didn't honestly get that drunk off it. I'm drinking excessively way too often, but it's my only coping mechanism. I got a massage today, which made me feel pretty good for around 90 minutes, then felt awful. Guess I should've drank more water.

My relationship is flimsy at best. She's gone to the doctor and was prescribed a new diet to help with a respiratory problem she's been having. The diet is pretty much she's not allowed to eat anything good anymore. Poultry and vegetables is pretty much the list of allowed foods. No dairy. No gluten. No carbs. No sugars. Her response to this was, and I quote, "You do most of the cooking, so you should get familiar with this." I didn't say hardly anything. What a crock of shit. I'm pretty much just going to start going out to dinner by myself and just saying I have to work late or something.

Plus, our apartment is being renovated this week which means we're going to lose some functionality in the kitchen and bathrooms on random days, which is about as inconvenient as it gets.

I really want to start reading more. I go through spurts where I read for about a week or so, and then miss a day and don't read again for a month. Just need to stick to the habit for once.

Really want to watch the new "Euphoria" but HBO Now is down. I'm still slightly hungover and am just kind of counting down the time until sunset when I won't feel so bad about falling asleep.

Current Mood: busy

Hi all.

Been a minute. Been going through some stuff. Will write more tonight.

Surprise, surprise. The race in Bellingham was canceled, and was done so about 12 hours before the race was supposed to begin. Apparently the entire course was ice and there was no parking. That makes sense, but it seems like something they could've figured out a day before so it could've saved some people the trouble. I was coming in from an hour away, but I know a lot of folks come down from Canada for that one. They got burned for sure.

It sucks because I really need to run just to keep my weight and I can feel myself getting larger. I guess that's the way it goes in the winter.

I have to sit in on leadership interviews the next couple days. It's going to murder productivity but it does make the time go by fast.

Seeing Kacey Musgraves tomorrow night. Sort of against my will, but I did agree to it a long time ago. She's a good song writer, and easy on the eyes. That kind of music just isn't really my cup of tea.

Been an anxious time at work. We've had a few people quit and one high-performing rep take a leave of absence due to family problems. The other folks who quit weren't doing well, so it's "good turnover" but it causes a lot of nervous air in the office. We'll always get by, but it's rough waters right now.

Was wondering why I was having such a hard time getting a reasonably priced flight to Nashville....then saw that the NFL draft is that weekend there. Makes sense now. That should be a complete zoo. Oh, well.

I've been feeling pretty good mentally lately. I'm glad I sort of found a rhythm and and don't spend too much time sulking these days. It could change at any time, but it's been a nice run.

Current Mood: contemplative

I've been more or less anchored to my home for 3 days now. I have a 4x4 but I know it's just poor responsibility to be driving out there with the roads in mediocre shape. Plus, a lot of the other drivers out there screw up.

I'm definitely losing my grip a little bit. I can feel my eyeballs getting fatigued from staring at screens (computer, TV, phone) all day long. I only ventured outside 3 times today - twice to walk the dogs for 5 minutes tops, and then I forced myself to walk for a while. It was freezing and the wind was howling but I was actually outside for a bit and that's all that matters. It was so cold that it felt like an hour but I'll bet it was 20 minutes tops.

It's definitely the worst snow event I've ever seen, and it's really screwing things up at work. Nobody can go anywhere, and the office has been closed for 3 straight days. That means no mail is being sent, very few payments are being processed and people can't get from place to place. Everyone's using the "we understand and will account for this", but I know when this month's numbers come in and are awful we'll get the "no excuses" bullshit and will probably have 10 more reports and spreadsheets to fill out.

Fucking snow.

On the bright side, my race in Bellingham (which I thought for sure was getting postponed) is going to go on. we got an email saying it would only be cancelled if the city forced them to. It looks like it's going to (hopefully) switch to rain sometime within the next couple days so that will hopefully make things a little more manageable.

I really need to get out more.

Snow has landed and this area might as well have been hit by an asteroid. People are wandering like refugees. People are hoarding non-perishable goods. 4 inches are forecast and even if it triples that, this reaction is pretty excessive.

But...this area doesn't handle weather well. They never have and they probably never will.

Had a hell of a trip to Reno. My flights both to and from were cancelled and I spent hours on the phone trying to resolve it. They did promise to refund my money but we'll see about that. I lost some money gambling, but that's nothing new.

Been feeling pretty good lately. Rather than melting down when stress hits, I'm rolling with the punches and being reasonable about things. I don't know what's come over me but maybe I'm just growing up a little more.

My long run got cancelled as well this weekend (which was a good decision - no one could run on the icy trails here) but I'm disappointed because that one's always fun.

Had a decent meeting with my boss today. I think she's starting to trust me more and let me do my own thing without getting in the way. It'll take some more time but I think I can earn my way into a very good position here.

Can't wait to navigate traffic tomorrow.

Current Mood: busy

Work gossip "drama" got squashed on Friday. One by one, they called in everyone that the whistleblower had said had been a victim of the "bullying" of sorts, and they all unanimously confirmed it, and that they were afraid to say anything because they didn't want to be branded a snitch. They then called in the guilty party and laid the smackdown. She immediately went home "sick" for the rest of the day. I hope it's because she felt some amount of shame, but I doubt it.

Had dinner with the parents Saturday night and it was without incident, which was nice for a change. Usually someone starts talking uninterrupted, and I get super irritated. Everyone pretty much held it together this time around.

This has the potential to be a pretty long week. Here's hoping it has something interesting for me.

So, I have two work "updates" of sorts.

Act I

Backstory: One of the girls I supervise has been out for the past few weeks after major surgery. I'm not privy to the exact details, but I know to be out that long on leave, you do need to supply some fairly copious documentation to HR.

She randomly showed up to work today, and seemed like she was in good spirits and doing well. She then went into the state director's office and was in there for about 45 minutes.

Later on, my boss calls me and explains that someone else in the office has been spreading a rumor that she wasn't sick or ill and had been out drinking most nights. She really didn't want to, but to protect herself, my direct report had to report it to HR. There's now an open investigation focusing on the gossip. My boss advised she believes the rumor spreading is all true, because this girl has actually had smaller complaints about her talking behind people's backs before.

She JUST got promoted and is now heading towards, at best, some likely disciplinary action and probably everyone in the office staying away from her. Can't understand it.

Act II

So - I got my update on the guy I mentioned two entries ago. Things unraveled quickly.

I found out that he had been escalated up the disciplinary chain and was about three weeks from getting shown the door. Under the stress and not wanting a termination on his record, he put in his two weeks. HR gave him the option to leave or stay, and he wanted to stay.

He proceeded to spend the rest of the day sending messages and emails, throwing management under the bus and telling insane lies - the main one being that he was assaulted by a manager on the floor at work.

Think about that - had it really happened - wouldn't it have been a massive scene and wouldn't there have been multiple witnesses? You're going to go with that as your story?

In any event, they called him into the office the next morning and gave him the boot. The long national nightmare was over. Whatever chance he had of maybe salvaging his career or maybe coming back had been obliterated.

Incredible how people will act and not understand consequences. I'm interested to see how the whole gossip thing pans out, but it doesn't look pretty.

Current Mood: frustrated

Back from San Diego.

Coming back today was a drag. I was driving down PCH to get to the airport...just looking at the palm trees, the sand, the people playing in the surf...and knowing I was coming back to 40 degree weather and pounding rain, it just got me down.

My spirits were lifted when I checked into my flight. They told me it was underbooked and I could get into first class for $50 more. I was all over that. I have a 77" frame and would probably have coughed up the $50 on the extra leg room alone.

So they poured me liquor the whole flight, and it was an enjoyable experience. It was good, but not good enough that I can't go back to the cheap seats.

I had an entertaining time in SoCal. It's weird how much I enjoy going and just doing things by myself. I think having other folks around stresses me. I feel like I have to help them have a good time, find things to do, places to eat, etc that are going to please everyone. If it's just me, it's really easy to find stuff to do.

I got to see my cousin on Monday. It was typical. She spent a lot of time talking about herself. I enjoyed the company, though, and it made the day go fast. It was a nice day, too, and we spent some time outdoors.

Marathon went well. I didn't really perform as well as I thought I would...primarily because I underestimated how hard the hills would be. They felt "gentle" but they took their toll and by mile 20 I was pretty much gassed. I knew I had to take it really easy so the last 90 minutes or so were really rough. But.....I finished, and we all get the same medal. I don't have another full marathon until April so it's up to me to get better conditioned.

Worried about work tomorrow. They always pile on you the day you're back.

Current Mood: blah

Got to play golf this morning. It's been a while because the weather here hasn't been great, but it was nice to breathe the fresh air. I didn't play all that great, then again, I never do.

I went running last night - 8 miles. Would've been nice, except my tights ripped after 1.5 miles. I didn't notice until I was almost done, but the rip was bad enough that it caused some tremendous chafing, which has me walking a little funny.

I usually just tell people I pulled a hamstring when that happens.

I'll get four or five days to myself in San Diego next weekend. Really looking forward to it. I feel least depressed when I'm somewhere unfamiliar and I don't have to worry about pleasing anyone but me.

My sister is having a BBQ tonight and I feel very obligated to go, though I don't care much to. I get it - she has a 4 month old and everything she does is amazing. It just gets old very fast.

Current Mood: good

I was scheduled to appear in court (on behalf of my company, not me) on Monday morning. I didn't realize it until 15 minutes before the start of the trial. I got in 10 minutes late....but I got a lucky break. The judge was 20 minutes late.

I couldn't decide whether I was mad at myself for forgetting about the court date or just thanking whatever universal force made the judge later than I was.

I find myself unbelievably distracted these days. Focus has never been so difficult.

I've done a nice job not drinking as much. I really used to use alcohol as a crutch for feeling bad. For some reason, I haven't had the urge these days. That's for the best I'm sure.

Weather here has been horrific - nothing but rain and heavy wind. I was up most of Saturday night due to the howling, swirling gusts. I read somewhere it got up to 70 mph gusts some places.

Wish it were the weekend already.

I watched "Roma" on Netflix - and determined that's easily the "bleak" movie of the year. It was "Mudbound" last year and "Manchester by the Sea" the year before. It was brilliant on several levels - the story/characters, the symbolism, the sort of "real life" pace of the movie, and the male/female dichotomy in many forms of relationships. But...man it's sad and very heavy and dark in parts. I definitely don't recommend anyone with kids watch it.

Hoping to see "If Beale Street Could Talk" some time this weekend.

I had a direct report for the last few years who was pretty good at his job, relatively low maintenance, really liked him. He applied for a promotion, didn't get it, and got some pretty tough feedback (among other things, he called one of the hiring managers "Corey" the entire interview, when his name is actually "Tony").

He instantly started sucking at his job. Refusing to take feedback, being defensive about anything, refusing to adhere to new processes, and just generally being a turd. After 4 months or so of poor performance, we put him on disciplinary management. It was a mess (he continued to refuse to take feedback and pushed back on everything) and at one point he filed a complaint of retaliation against me (he claimed we didn't start being hard on him until he complained about a note I put in a file to someone else) to Human Resources. It was grand opening/grand closing - we had a mountain of evidence that his performance had been in heavy decline long before when he claimed the "retaliation" took place that he had no defense for.

Anywho, I switched jobs (took an internal transfer) and I've always been curious as to how the disciplinary process moved - I wonder if he's close to being fired or if he's turned it around. I'm nearly certain it's the former. They've made a bunch of swaps in management in my old department and that usually just extends the process out. I want to take the girl that has my old job out to lunch and get the lowdown, even though that's sort of bad form.

I have noticed he comes in late to the office a LOT....and I used to crack down on that.

He is...a little weird and a little crazy. Not sure I'd have thought this 10 years ago, but I wonder if he's the type that would do something crazy/violent if he got canned.

I feel awful. But I take comfort in the fact that my awful mood at least has basis in reality....and that I'm not just feeling like shit for no reason.

I switched jobs within my company a few months ago....and ever since I've been looking for a place in it. A few people I could call my "work friends", something I was good at that no one else was that I could exploit....fucking something.

Ever since I've been on this sad, pathetic island. Leading events that no one shows up to, planning things that no one buys into, etc. Finally, I landed on this idea. I presented it to our leadership cohort and they LOVED it. Finally, I had a winner - I had my in. I worked my ass off this last week to fully prep for it and make sure the presentation and subsequent discussion was nails.

The one thing I forgot was to check the date. The date I had planned this for was the 21st. I'm out of town that day and can't participate.

So.....this thing that I've toiled over....the thing I FINALLY thought was going to make me part of the team....I can't be there for it. I will get no credit for all the work I did - someone else actually will. And...I'll likely even be more on the outside than ever before.

I just hate myself so, so much. How did I end up being this person that fucks this stuff up so badly? It's not fair. I'd rather be someone with no ideas that's at least visible. Instead I'm the dipshit with 1000 ideas, 900 of which are bad, and the 100 that aren't are either not feasible, stolen by someone else, or irrevocably fucked up when I try to make them happen.

This sucks so much.

Going to be a horrible weekend.

Current Mood: infuriated

Topsy turvy last few days.

I've been butting heads a lot with my new(er) boss. Came to a hilt in a meeting yesterday when we were close to shouting over each other in front of her boss. Not a good look for either of us. We need to eventually just sit down and acknowledge we're going to conflict from time to time but out of that can come good results if we don't let it get out of hand.

It is tough, because she's a woman, and the rest of her direct reports (my cohort) are also women. She has a natural relationship with them, and with me....not so much. I think there's an appreciation that I do bring a "diversity" to the group, though, so there's that.

I've watched most of "Homecoming" and I was close to nope-ing out but it's starting to pay off. It's a really, really slow burn, but it picks up nicely around the 6th/7th episode. Interested to see how they wrap it up and how they'll roll into the next season.

Kinda stupid, but I'm actually a little proud of myself for not watching the same 3 shows over and over like I usually do.

Tomorrow has the potential to be pretty tough. Lot of meetings, and at least one pretty tough conversation with one of my employees.

Lot of football on this weekend - I like that.

Current Mood: contemplative

Spent a quiet night in yesterday. Actually fell asleep around 10:30 and woke up a little after 11, then rallied until after midnight. There was a run for a while there where I wouldn't go very late at all, and I thought I may never actually hit midnight another year....but I've done surprisingly well the past few years.

Run went good, not great. It was a really pretty day, and I think I did pretty good...but it was my worst time in the three years I've ran that route, so that was a little disappointing.

I think I'm supposed to go over to my parents' house at some point later today, but we'll see if I'm up for it.

I've been ultra-stressed at work lately, and not for any good reason. I feel the urge to just go all-out when I need to really focus myself and keep things reasonable, including my goals and expectations of others.

Was nice to get a day to sleep in a little bit. Feels like that really helps my mental stability.

Current Mood: okay

Yesterday was slow, which I didn't mind. Parents came over, we watched a football game, nothing to hand wring over.

Today's dead as well. No plans, not really going to do anything.

Long run in Port Orchard tomorrow. Takes me about 90 minutes one way to get there, which I don't mind. I enjoy the road time. Hopefully I'll get a chance to eat some guilt-free food after I'm done and watch some NFL games.

Haven't done well at all my last two long runs, and really need to improve this time. I don't have much other opportunity to go long before my full marathon in Carlsbad, and should really be doing better. Part of it is slowed training, part of it is I've just gained too much weight.

New Years Resolution next year is to be more supportive of others. I have no measurable for this, but I hope I can do better at it.

Current Mood: contemplative

I really loathe myself nights like this.

I'm literally only satisfied when I'm overeating or over drinking. I try to kid myself that other stuff makes me happy, but really it's just alcohol abuse or binge eating.

Work really weighed on me today. I went to the bar. Some asshole sat next to me, sure enough, and he starts talking to the bartender about himself. Ungratefully, the bartender points out that his hometown is not far from mine. Asshole starts talking to me, and the rest of the night is me trying to wiggle away from this turd. He's criticizing anything and everything, and just acting like a boorish jerk. Basically, it was his world, I'm just living in it, and I was going to listen to every last word he had to say. It sucked.

Some days, the only thing that keeps me from ending it all is that my dog would wonder where I went.

I worry about what happens to me when my dog dies.

Current Mood: nauseated

Not much to say today. I feel alone and left behind.

I existed and made it to a point where I can go to sleep. And that's really all I accomplished.

Current Mood: stressed

Christmas ending should be sort of a relief, but it usually isn't. I have Margaret's birthday, my mother's birthday, and Valentine's Day in the next 45 days or so. There's also a 4-day trip to San Diego (by myself) wedged in between so this time of year should go by just as fast.

Prime rib tonight was incredible. I hope that's a regular thing for us now.

We try to see a movie every Christmas Eve (and we typically pull it off, although some years things have gotten in the way) - usually as late as possible. Often we bicker about what we'll see and when. I decided this year it was going to be "Vice" and just asked if anyone wanted to see it with me. Worked like a charm.

Movie was pretty good, just kind of a reminder of what a shitty world we really live in. I think they dramatically under-utilized Sam Rockwell, too. He was totally in the background.

Gift exchange went well today. The crazy thing happened afterwards when my father slipped me a check. I opened it - it was for $10,000. I was floored. I wanted to just hand it back but I was speechless. He explained to me that my sister had gotten a new car (which I knew about) but they had paid for it (I did not know that). He said it was just "being fair".

Not sure what I'll use that money on. I was planning on going to the east coast some time in fall, so probably that.

Windows 10 supposedly updated on my work laptop while I was out today. We'll see what a disaster that is tomorrow.

Current Mood: loved

This weekend breezed by.

Friday night ended up going way late. A buddy from work sort of coerced me into going to Seattle and we were out until last call.

I must say: women, at least in this town, treat men like garbage. I'm sure it's the other way around, too, but any guy that makes any effort to talk to any woman (most of the time, very casual stuff - "hey, how are you?") at best will get the cold shoulder and most of the time will get told to go fuck himself. I'm not (technically) single, but I can't imagine how much it would suck to try to find someone here. I don't even know how anyone gets close to a relationship.

Yesterday was woefully unproductive. I tried to talk Margaret into seeing "The Favourite" but she noped out so we ended up just getting sushi and then coming home. Gonna have to see that one solo one of these days I got a brief run in, and went and had a couple beers afterwards.

Today was also pretty much a bust - ended up spending the day just wrapping presents.

Work tomorrow - it'll be a miracle if I even stay remotely on task.

Current Mood: apathetic

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My head is on straight, most of the time

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