I'm headed for a breakdown.

[borlandia]

Think you're kinda neat
Then she tells me I'm a creep
Friends don't mean a thing
Guess I'll leave it up to me

I'm half the man I used to be....

Fuckin' A. I can't learn this shit. I just have no way. I can't memorize it. Fuck. I hate chemistry. I'm so over this shit. Feel like I'm kinda breaking down over it. It's just really hard to me. Just something I'm never going to really understand.

Anyway...something kinda cool and funny happened tonight. I was going to Albertson's to get some dessert item I could consume...and I see my history professor. He's decked out in a UC Davis t-shirt about 3 sizes too big for him and a pair of dark grey sweatpants. This is interesting since the only time I've seen him not completely dapper. He's there buying just about the cheapest fuckin' bottle of Chardonnay you've ever seen. Anyway, I talked to him, told him he did a great job teaching the class and that I want to add history as a 2nd major. We talked for a while, a bit awkwardly, but he said to email him in the fall and we'd talk about history as a major for me. I like seeing people out of their workplace element. Gives them a humanistic quality.

Nights like these I think about being single. It sucks sometimes, other times it does not. Sometimes I like being single because I feel free. Like I don't have anyone I have to devote time, money etc. to. I don't have to feel bad about looking around at girls. Tonight it's the other way around. It's kind of frustrating because every friend I have is in a relationship pretty much, or in some sort of faux-relationship that takes up their time. I don't have that. It's a little frustrating, but I suppose that's a decision that I made. To be perfectly honest, I spent some time looking through my ex's facebook profile and reminiscing about the good times. God, it's so much easier to remember the good times than the bad. Really the good/bad times ran about even, but the good ones just stand out so much more. It's not like I'm wanting my ex back, that's out of the question. I'm not interested in that...just like...I feel like I want someone to waste my time with. It feels stupid because I feel like I'm pining for a woman just for good times, and I'm not pining for a woman for a good reason. Heck, I haven't even kissed a girl since February. For many reasons. One is I've gotten a lot shyer. Girls talk to me but usually I just ignore them for the most part because I get all weird when that happens. Two is I don't get out at all anymore. Maybe once a month or so I will go out and party, and have like one drink and that will be that. A lot of times at these parties the only girls there are friends of mine that I'm not at all considering doing anything with. Three is...well, I'm just different. When I get with the guys, all they talk about is how many chicks they've bagged and what it was like with whoever or whenever, wherever...and it's so fucking awkward. Not only am I not out fucking anything that moves, I'm not even interested in that. I'd just like someone that I enjoy that I can hang out with, talk about random stuff with, fool around a little, and throw away time like I should when I'm in my 20s.

Tomorrow I have a lot of chem left to study and I'm watchin the Sox-Cubs game with Paul. Good times.

Comments

[thgovrnmntsucks.livejournal.com]

:( im your friend and I'm not in a relationship. things are bound to improve for you keith. i promise. your too much of an awesome person for them to not

[sarbear19c.livejournal.com]

I know that you'll pull it out in the end. O chem blows. but its almost over. and trust me, when its over.... nothing will ever blow that much again.

Youre a sweet guy. Dont force things. its better that way.

[tigtogiba34.livejournal.com]

Are you still as good of friends with the friends of yours that are in relationships now as opposed to the friendship before that other person came along? That's been the tough part for me, they don't feel like the same people I befriended now they're "in love" and tend to forget I even exist it feels.

You're lucky you have that power to focus on the good times, with me and my life all I can look at is the bad, what has been taken from me that I can't get back, but at the same time has also built me up and made me stronger.

I'm at a point now where I've had the guy that didn't care enough and the guy that cared too much so I guess I'm holding off and staying alone till I can find that guy that shows he cares but doesn't smother me with it. I dunno some people like that but personally it makes me wanna scream, and thats the way my former friend is, she cares so much about her man that no one else seems to matter anymore and it really hurts, I don't wanna do that to the people I consider close to me.

I don't know how much this will help I was somewhat talking to you and somewhat talking about me, I tried.

I'm just so stupid.

[volsgirl.livejournal.com]

Just ...stupid. Gad.

[ucdshoelace.livejournal.com]

Wanna make out? ;-)

[layla.livejournal.com]

I completely agree with the relationship thing. Sometimes it really sucks being single..but then again, there are other times when it doesn't suck so much.