What the hell is your name?

Today probably would have been a total loss if not for Taco Bell Nachos BellGrande and a couple key people.

Yesterday I was doing great. Today I woke up feeling like complete shit. I sucked it up and tried to watch NASCAR but not annoy the crap out of my roommate who would have much rather watched football...so I reluctantly went back and forth...but really that just made me feel worse. I have a midterm tomorrow and I don't give a rat's ass if I fail it, which I almost certainly will.

"It's a multiple choice test. You can choose to pass or fail."
-Mr. Allen

The truth is, I'm a long way from being able to handle any kind of consistent working job. When something doesn't go my way, I just can't help but doing nothing. It's just what I do. If I try to work, I just stop and stare at the wall, and end up just throwing whatever I'm doing to the side.

I liked Lacy. A lot.

And I'm not going to get away from that fact or try to deny it. It's a waste of time to try and convince yourself of something that isn't true. There was a lot I didn't like about her. She's a Republican from Texas. She thinks the Backstreet Boys are "good music". She doesn't forgive people. She thinks baseball is amazing but doesn't understand almost any other sport. But there was a lot I did like about her. She was very affectionate. She listened to me. She occasionally actually didn't mind doing what I wanted to do. I saw these things...that I'd never seen before. And they just stood out. So I busted my ass. Almost every single day. I did everything I could. And yet it ended. Over almost nothing. I guess where I draw the line is when I get asked to give up friends. It was pretty much the crux of the issues of my last relationship...Sarah wanted me to lose Jake so, so bad, and I never agreed to it. I just can't give up friends. They'll still be there when all is said and done. Girlfriends and relationships are going to come and go. It feels bad...because, well, I just tried really hard to make it work. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe I just forced the issue. In the end it just wasn't enough. Nobody said, "Wow, I really like Lacy" or "wow, she's really awesome". No one really said anything encouraging about it, which maybe made me like her even more. Usually I'm the one being talked about like I'm not enough or the other party could do better. I tried really hard to hang on. I did things these last few months I'd never tried before. And they just weren't enough. I wanted it to work, I thought I could make it work...and really, I thought I was good enough and I'd finally hit a point where I could relax and just be myself. Nope. Not this time. Maybe not ever. Keith Borland...the REAL Keith Borland...is someone who once you get to know him, you're really not going to be a big fan. My first big bad problem was enough to do me in this time. Often enough that's not the case.

I still feel like so much is expected. Jorden has always told me "money makes them listen". He's more or less right. Guys can be very nice, but they're not always nice. But if you've got money or a really awesome set of abs or something, you can fall back on that and know you're not going to get dumped because you've got that x-factor. I don't have a great appearance or a deep pocketbook. Hence, when something goes awry, I have no backup and my relationship hits the ground like when you lost at Mortal Kombat and didn't have any more quarters and your dude hit the spikes at the bottom of the pit. Not all girls are like that. I know one girl, and maybe others will arrive, who really could care less how much a guy might make or whether he's ridiculously good-looking. The vast, vast majority of them are. It's a material world.

The other day my parents asked me who I admired. I didn't have any kind of answer. Who the hell am I supposed to admire? I have musical and sports people I admire for their ability, but in real life they're all douchebags who are drug users, womanizers, or worse. It seems like everyone is such a liar, or so corrupt, or driven by evil, evil shit...is there anyone around today that's really worth admiring? Maybe I'm just too hard on people.

Another thing...this ridiculous gerrymandered definition of a "date". Why is it that I can take my girlfriend out to dinner at Baker's Square or something and rent a movie and watch it and it's not a date? Why is it when I go out to Taco Bell with a girl and we both pay our own way and talk about our IM teams and shit it's a date? I'm not really a big "date" guy. I don't like to go out much and go to clubs and bars and shit. I don't like going to fancy places, I don't like dressing up, etc. etc. etc. I like to chill at home, eat pizza and watch sports. So when I do this, it's considered unacceptable from a female standpoint, even if she likes the same things, because it's stereotypical of a boyfriend to take her out to the Ritz and buy her a diamond necklace every couple weeks. Flowers? Meh. Candy? Meh. But don't you dare eat nachos with some other girl or your ass is fucked. You wanna spend a night with me and watch a movie and cuddle? Jackass. And then you wanna go out to a friend's party and try to have a good time without me? Fuck off.

And it's not like there wasn't another side of the coin either. Lacy would flip out every time this guy Dave would talk to her and she would usually talk about how hot he was. It stood in the back of my mind but it never really bugged me. She may or may not have ever hooked up with this dude, but it seems like kind of a double standard for me to not be able to go to a party with a female friend and not get scrutiny, yet it's ok for her to drool all over some baseball player. Sheesh. I really can't win. Dude is probably loaded. I never stood a chance.

I hate money. So much.

And I hate school right now too. This shit sucks. I don't want to be here right now. I'll just live with my parents until I feel like I've actually grown up. Go ahead and make fun of me. I don't give a rat's ass.

There's not much worth me standing up for it. My friends and family I will stand up for. Anytime. I'll insult the shit out of them and tell them exactly what I think of them to their face, but if you're seriously and legitimately dissing them when you don't even know them, fuck that. I won't stand for it. My friends and I will get together and talk about what a flake Lingo is, or how Jorden smokes too much weed, or how Brian whines too fucking much, but I won't put up with anyone else dealing that shit out. I never let Sarah talk shit about any member of my family or Jake even though she hated his ass. I wouldn't let Kelly Lindblom or any of those hos talk shit about Jake or Jorden or Brian during music committee meetings. I'd straight tell them to shut up. Every time.

And I wasn't going to let Lacy tell me I couldn't be friends with Sarah.

Now excuse me while I fuck up my midterm and worry about some other shit. I'm expecting a brand new acoustic/electric bass, a Vince Wilfork jersey, and my first movie from Netflix ("Hotel Rwanda" which I hear is fucking terrific) in the mail, so maybe there is hope after all. Not to mention there's Bruins hockey, Monday Night Football and the World Series for me to dissect.

And yeah. I'll be around.

(no subject)

Ugh. Not feeling fantastic.