This is not me
Apr. 26th, 2017 02:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
borlandiaStaging on my house is done. Now it's just paperwork and getting the legal mumbo jumbo taken care of.
I'm standing in it right now - and it's a very peculiar feeling.
It's still my place, legally. But it doesn't feel like it anymore.
Furniture and décor everywhere that doesn't belong to me, and arrangements I'd never do.
This structure is the last vestige of a life I wanted. I didn't want to be here, doing this today. I wanted to be here for 30, 40, 50 years. I kinda wanted to grow old here. It didn't happen.
This feels like the final white flag on what I wanted things to be like. I'm admitting defeat, and that it's finally over.
I've started over on a lot of stuff the past 5-6 years, but this feels like an official reboot on everything.
I'm definitely feeling a lot right now...most I'm not even sure of.
Margaret stopped speaking to me yesterday. I tried to start conversation last night and this morning. Nothing, just cold shoulder.
I have no idea what I did, but it sure seems like she doesn't want to talk at all about it. Things were fine yesterday morning. Then she came home and had nothing to say - just went straight to bed. Not even a "hello" or a "good night".
Lot of uneasiness right now. Honestly feel like I've got no one to rely on and nowhere to go.
I leave for California tomorrow. It's a huge weight on my shoulders to have so much waiting for me while I'm gone.
I'm standing in it right now - and it's a very peculiar feeling.
It's still my place, legally. But it doesn't feel like it anymore.
Furniture and décor everywhere that doesn't belong to me, and arrangements I'd never do.
This structure is the last vestige of a life I wanted. I didn't want to be here, doing this today. I wanted to be here for 30, 40, 50 years. I kinda wanted to grow old here. It didn't happen.
This feels like the final white flag on what I wanted things to be like. I'm admitting defeat, and that it's finally over.
I've started over on a lot of stuff the past 5-6 years, but this feels like an official reboot on everything.
I'm definitely feeling a lot right now...most I'm not even sure of.
Margaret stopped speaking to me yesterday. I tried to start conversation last night and this morning. Nothing, just cold shoulder.
I have no idea what I did, but it sure seems like she doesn't want to talk at all about it. Things were fine yesterday morning. Then she came home and had nothing to say - just went straight to bed. Not even a "hello" or a "good night".
Lot of uneasiness right now. Honestly feel like I've got no one to rely on and nowhere to go.
I leave for California tomorrow. It's a huge weight on my shoulders to have so much waiting for me while I'm gone.
no subject
Date: 2017-04-28 02:49 pm (UTC)